My tweets

chihiro
  • Thu, 12:14: I spent the rest of my night beating Danganronpa. I don't think I've played anything with such an intense effect on my emotions in years.
  • Thu, 12:34: If there was one thing I wish we could get rid of, it would be phone calls. It's 2014. I should be able to make appointments via e-mail.
  • Thu, 13:27: I complained about making a phone call, so of course it went super smoothly. Got the perfect appointment.
  • Thu, 13:27: Also got cover art in my inbox from Totally Bound for my forthcoming Sexy Snax story Reunited. Oh, it looks so lovely!
  • Thu, 13:28: Actually it's a Lust Bites story, I'm falling asleep here...
  • Thu, 13:29: Anyway it's not out until next year so you'll have to wait to see it...
  • Thu, 13:35: RT @evernightpub: THE MIRACLE by Victoria Zagar is an ARe BESTSELLER!... http://t.co/hyexf7ykqb
  • Thu, 13:40: The biggest bummer of the week is that I have to work Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, all 12 hour shifts... so my NaNo entrance will be late indeed.
  • Thu, 14:08: A few general thoughts on Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc: http://t.co/c5Sb9VOGvd
  • Thu, 14:13: Danganronpa has reminded me that I fucking love video games. I needed reminding after the last few months.
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Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc

chihiro
I just beat my Game Of The Year so far, a game that came out of left field and completely blindsided me with its capacity to rip out my heart and stamp on it mercilessly, dancing in the ruins of my soul and feasting on my tears.

Damn.

For those of you who have no idea, Danganronpa is a PlayStation Vita title. It's about a group of high school students who are invited to a school for progedies, but are then trapped there and forced to murder one another in a brutal game. It's a visual novel but with more "game" to it. It's a lot like the Phoenix Wright series in that you have to deal with murder investigations and the trials that follow, but this game is dark, fucked up, and had me glued to my seat until the very end. I got angry, I screamed at the screen, I swore to kill the villain more times than I can remember... and I cried. Twice. I can't tell you the last time I was so emotionally engaged with a game. It makes most of the story-driven titles I've played in recent times seem lackluster and wanting. I think the last time I actually felt grief and a real sense of loss because of a game was during Valkyria Chronicles. Maybe Mass Effect 3. Either way, I feel it's not as common as it once was.

I think I got my money's worth out of my Playstation (Vita) TV, anyway. I have a sequel to play, but I'm feeling such bittersweet melancholy after the end of the first game that I think I need to recover before I submit myself to this again. I thought perhaps the reason I didn't feel this way about games anymore had to do with getting older, but this game has proven that I haven't changed one bit... it's the industry that's different. I could talk for hours about the demise of Japanese gaming and why I think a lot of Western games are dull and uninispiring, and how much I hate the current focus on multiplayer social gaming over single-player, story-driven experiences, but that's a discussion for another time.

You should be buying this game right now, anyway.

My tweets

chihiro
  • Wed, 13:20: RT @AirbenderAppa: I have a mighty need http://t.co/mvNOt03oQV
  • Wed, 23:14: God forbid I cash my lottery ticket at the register: instead I must use a machine, get a voucher, and then take that to the cashier. >_<;;
  • Wed, 23:14: The hole in that logic is that I could not get the damn machine to read my ticket, despite reading the instructions like 10 times.
  • Wed, 23:15: THE MACHINES ARE WINNING, GUYS. THIS IS HOW IT STARTS. ;_;
  • Wed, 23:16: So yeah, I left the gas station and went to a convenience store, where they cashed it at the register like it was 1995.
  • Wed, 23:17: I'd whine about getting old, but the kicker is that the retired guy in front of me used the lottery machine to buy tickets no problem.
  • Wed, 23:20: I can write novels no problem, compose letters, articles, you name it. But everyday tasks? Forget about it.
  • Wed, 23:31: I might use the terms "romance" and "love stories" interchangeably, but I promise I'm not ashamed of being a romance writer. Love the genre.
  • Wed, 23:31: I didn't even know that was a faux pas. Like all the others I commit on a regular basis. ^^
  • Wed, 23:32: RT @nikerymis: @landale A++! I hate the ones who are all "Oh I don't write *romance*, I write *love stories*" as though they're... magicall…
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My tweets

chihiro

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My tweets

chihiro
  • Mon, 13:39: My F/F story The Miracle is out from Evernight Publishing and you can find it where all good ebooks are sold. http://t.co/I5WUm9IVsj
  • Mon, 23:09: My Queer Romance Month article, Everyone Deserves Their Love Story: Asexuality In Queer Romance is now up! http://t.co/JRAik0hLVH
  • Mon, 23:15: RT @QueerRomance: Everyone Deserves Their Love Story: Asexuality In Queer Romance by Victoria�Zagar http://t.co/R2tKUjrksl
  • Mon, 23:16: I loved writing for Queer Romance Month. I hope everyone enjoys my article. @QueerRomance
  • Mon, 23:36: Dear life: I'd like to wake each morning without the dread that grips me when I think about going to work.
  • Mon, 23:37: I fear I'm being a spoiled child about it and then I just loathe myself.
  • Tue, 07:05: Oh lovely, there's a piece of plastic in the wrap I bought for lunch. Looks like a piece from a food glove.
  • Tue, 07:06: Today's been peachy. It took precisely 1 hour for me to have a panic attack. Apparently tiny crawl spaces under machines aren't for me.
  • </ul

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My tweets

chihiro
  • Sun, 12:39: 3/3 writing tasks completed for the weekend. Tonight I have to do some real world tasks, sadly. :/
  • Sun, 12:55: For the morning crowd: I'm using my LiveJournal again and so here's a personal post about my genderqueer identity: http://t.co/FLdtcEmDOm
  • Sun, 12:56: I'm the only person still using my LiveJournal at this point, lol.
  • Sun, 12:57: Maybe I'm oversharing lately. Please tell me if I am. I just feel the need to talk about some things.
  • Sun, 13:01: RT @LT3Press: LT3 is celebrating Asexual Awareness Week! Get asexual gay romance Wings of Destruction by Victoria Zagar for 25% off http://…
  • Sun, 13:35: RT @LT3Press: Want to learn more about asexuality? Check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)! http://t.co/bPdKOeIQ2l
  • Sun, 21:58: 4 of 5 stars to The Assassin of Laurentium by Clodia Metelli https://t.co/vSth0vLq3u
  • Sun, 23:23: First time I'm home to watch a wrestling pay-per-view in a while. A shame wrestling has kinda sucked lately. :/
  • Sun, 23:44: RT @necrosofty: Guys I'm not so sure about this #sonic http://t.co/JfRXRwqI92
  • Sun, 23:44: International Incident sounds like a bad pay-per-view name from the '90s.
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My tweets

chihiro
  • Sat, 21:17: 4 of 5 stars to Portrait of a Crossroads by Kelly Rand https://t.co/D1bALcEumi
  • Sat, 22:35: RT @LockeCole: .@landale spent 5 minutes looking for her keys after finding half of them in her bag. Somehow the other half got tangled …
  • Sat, 22:55: RT @LockeCole: Apparently my wife's hair is like Chinatsu's hair in Yuruyuri.
  • Sun, 02:55: I lost my car keys in my hair today. I think that's a whole new low. Looked everywhere before I found them hanging in my ponytail. >_<;;
  • Sun, 03:57: Currently making a wish list of game soundtracks on Amazon.jp, since I discovered they ship internationally.
  • Sun, 04:25: I read The Miracle by Victoria Zagar https://t.co/zT3imHtyGy
  • Sun, 05:12: I'm probably putting the Heart Of The Sun sequel on hold while I write for NaNo, since the whole thing's a mess anyway.
  • Sun, 05:13: I may just end up starting over, and salvaging the scenes that work for me.
  • Sun, 05:52: I just changed my livejournal theme for the first time in... *counts* 13 years. Might start using it more.
  • Sun, 05:54: There's a part of me that's fiercely private and keeps everything locked up.I'm not sure that's a good thing, so I'm trying to be more open.
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A Soul Split Between Worlds

chihiro
I think I should start with the fact that I've adopted a different gender identity. I now associate with the terms "genderqueer" and "gender non-binary", but really, they're terms for feelings of dysphoria and confusion I've experienced my entire life.

Before I go on, I want to state in plain terms that personally, I'm not a stickler for pronouns. Feel free to address me in whichever way is comfortable for you. I'm still sticking with "she" in my daily life and for my writing profile, because it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable and I'm very much used to it--but again, I'm not going to be offended by the pronouns you use unless you act like an ass about it. Gender-neutral pronouns don't seem to feel quite right (their usage can seem gramatically awkward, for one) and I'm not certain that even if I adopted them, it would be comfortable for me to explain to every person that I meet how I wish to be addressed, especially in the conservative realm where I live.

For daily life, I still present as I always have--I've been dressing in a non-binary fashion for years without even consciously making that decision. I don't wear makeup or dresses/skirts and I don't give a damn about purses or shoes. I'm most comfortable when I wear jeans and a gaming t-shirt, often with a hoodie. I can usually be seen carrying around my Metal Gear Solid messenger bag. That's me. That's my style, though I can't say I care a shit about fashion or what other people wear.

So, how did I come to these conclusions about my gender? For that, we have to flashback to my childhood. I was always the odd child out in my peer group. I never liked dolls, but I did own a pink plastic sword and my dream was to be a knight who would help people. I hated makeup so much that during school plays where I was forced to wear it, I stuck my lips outwards so I didn't have to feel the greasiness of the mask they'd placed on me. As I grew into my teens, I had an obsession with UFOs. I've always loved science fiction and fantasy. When others tried to mold me into a more "girly" girl, I felt uncomfortable, like an actor playing a part in their own life. The thought that I would grow up and have children made me quail in fright--I could hardly think of anything worse. I felt like something kept me apart from other girls, but I was unable to articulate just what it was or why I felt more comfortable befriending boys.

Flash forward, and I was able to leave home and live my own life. At my own wedding, I didn't wear makeup, and I forgot to get flowers with a big shrug of the shoulders. My dress was more fantasy in my opinion (it reminded me of Celes's opera dress) than a dress one would typically associate with a wedding. I was comfortable just being myself, and I didn't fret about it too much for a long time. My husband never expressed any discomfort with how I expressed myself, instead encouraging me to come out of my shell and not be ashamed of being me.

I made a female acquaintance through my husband's school friend around this time. She was very insistent that if I only put effort into my appearence, I could be "pretty". She suggested to my husband that she would take me for a makeover as a Christmas present--something he thankfully shot down in flames. She wanted me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, and I reluctantly agreed, even though I felt like I didn't fit in with her at all. She wanted to take this poor misguided fool--or so she thought--and teach her how to be a "real girl". I knew it could only end in disaster, that others have tried--and failed--to do just that.

That wedding was hands-down one of the worst days of my life. The dysphoria I experienced on that day, dressed up in a dress, with my hair styled and makeup applied, was nothing short of torture. I felt like everyone could see that I was just pretending to be a woman, that they were laughing at me. I felt like I was cross-dressing, even though I supposedly dressing correctly for my gender.

It was hell. I'd never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I resented everything about that day, but mostly I hated myself for it. Everyone said I looked so lovely, why couldn't I just enjoy that? Why did my weird feelings about the matter have to screw everything up? Why couldn't I make female friends without ending up loathing myself?

I walked away and slipped back into my comfortable self with relief, and swore I would never repeat the experience. The friendship fizzled, and I never had to deal with fitting into someone else's mold of a person. I knew who I was, even if I didn't have a word for it. I couldn't pretend to be anybody else. The glass was already cracking, but I was still confused. I was just a tomboy, right? It was part of my bisexuality, right? There are lots of lesbians/bi women who dress in a tomboyish fashion without identifying as anything other than female, right?

I made a lot of excuses to myself. I was more than a little afraid of the truth. I honestly believed that if I embraced the masculine side of myself too much, everyone would desert me.

Cue my writing career. I started hanging out with a lot of interesting people. I gained some transgender friends, and learned to navigate the waters of preferred pronouns and transgender etiquette. But I didn't feel like I was transgender in that I wanted to change my skin--I have a pretty gender neutral body, and I don't look in the mirror and feel discomfort or dysphoria just existing. In fact, I didn't feel at all like I wanted to become a man--more that I wanted to reconcile two sides of myself that had become split and assert myself as one complete being, that is both male and female psychologically.

There are still many days when I wake up very much feeling like a woman--gentle, empathic, emotional--and other days when I wake up angry, feeling like I want to kick some ass and shoot some motherfuckers in a video game. More often are the days when I am simply a mixture of both, an amalgamation of logic and emotion, male and female, a human being living in the middle of gender identities and roles. This is who I am and I am comfortable with that.

When I finally came across the terms "genderqueer" and "gender non-binary", I felt like someone had hit the nail on the head with a very large hammer. I felt like I had found a term that fit who I am inside. I was scared to express it at first. I wondered what my straight husband would think of having a spouse who identified between the lines of male and female. I didn't have to worry--I think he's always known, and I am the person he fell in love with before I had words or terms to describe who I was to him. I'm truly blessed to have another round of coming out where he told me he loves me, no matter what. Unconditional love is the most amazing force in the universe.

I want to close this out by saying that really nothing has changed about me. I'm still very much a common-sense person, pretty hard to offend, who tries to hand out the benefit of the doubt where possible. I'm certainly not someone who's going to become super-sensitive about this issue. I feel that there are times on the Internet especially of late where everyone wants to be offended about everything. I'll talk in-depth about that another time, but I want to say that's not me. While I believe in treating all human beings with dignity and respect ("the golden rule"), I think it's important not to become obsessed with the thought that everyone's a hater. It's bad for the psyche, it's bad for self-esteem, and most of all, it destroys our ability to appreciate when people make an effort to reach across the aisle and expose themselves to ideas they're not familiar with in order to connect.

What I'm saying is, people can be surprising, and you can't write folks off because they sometimes express their opinions in a clumsy, non-politically correct way. I think the intent behind a statement or action is far more important than the way in which it is expressed. By all means, hate the haters, but at least acknowledge when people make an effort to reduce their ignorance.

If you have any thoughts, please feel free to share them in the comments. I'd like to hear what you think.

Cleaning Out The Cobwebs

chihiro
I've cleaned out my bio and set a theme that isn't twelve years old. I thought about creating a new journal, yet I feel that what has been, simply has been. I don't believe it's right to erase the past, thoughts and feelings encountered, no matter how little they may reflect the present day me.

I'm starting fresh today. I'm tired of hiding everything I say in here underneath a friend filter. From now on, I will only do this if I need to talk about something that shouldn't be public for obvious reasons (like work). The rest will be uncensored, unfiltered, me. I'm not going to be scared about "people finding out", like my life is some kind of secret that needs to be hidden. I'm not ashamed of being myself, even if people find that weird.

I want to be more open. I want to be honest with the world. When I started my professional novel career in 2012, my soul was crying out to speak its mind. Now I have words for feelings I could never put a finger on. I feel more confident and comfortable with myself than ever before. I want to share that feeling, now that I'm older and wiser.

Also,

ouch
I'm also pissed about coworkers/locals/people in general in a political fashion; how obsessed they are with celebrities' weight and idle gossip yet oblivious to the NSA scandal/Snowden revelations. How sad is it that Snowden, Greenwald etc. have put everything on the line for most people to respond with a massive yawn and go back to watching Bieber act like a twat? It's fucking pathetic and I find myself super disgusted at people's total lack of giving a shit about anything.

I feel like this world is totally fucked when people are proud to declare how stupid they are and how much reality TV they watch.

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